Searching For A Better Version Of Me

These seven photos pretty much represent times in my life when I have experienced life altering experiences.

Ultimately, when I was 6 my father and mother divorced. I cried that I missed him, and mother sent me to live with him. Two weeks later she showed up at school to take me back home. But the divorce had taken it’s toll on me. I began talking fast and tripping over my words. The school entered me in speech therapy, it never stuck. I still talk to much and to fast. You know my mom sent me back and forth to my father’s my entire childhood. I wasn’t that bad. Just a teenage girl in love.

Secondly, at the age of 8 my mother had remarried and moved us away from our father, we didn’t see him much. On one visit he showed up with a new wife. As a kid I felt like he traded me in for someone new. It was a rough start, it had to be hard for an 18 year old girl to take on a man with 5 children. As time went by we had more visits, and my stepmother was amazing. Life moved on.

Third, I think might be a huge part of my BPD. At 10 a family member called me into the bathroom and made me bend over the tub and pull down my pants. I fought him. He told me as he tried to force himself into me, “Hold still I am practicing for Shelia.”. He never got it in but slapped me with it until he did his thing. I can picture it like it happened yesterday. My sister told mom he was touching us, she assumed a belt or whippings. Of Course, he remembers nothing.

Fourth, I was fifteen closer to sixteen. I had the biggest crush on a boy and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was super excited. We went out one evening and I tried pot for the first time. I’d do anything for him. We went to his house to his bedroom. that is where it happened. I lost my virginity. He had asked me if I was a virgin and I told him no. I thought because my brother had touched me with his thing I had lost it. I was such a stupid girl. We left his room and heading to the door this huge pregnant girl grabbed me by the hair and called me a bitch and informed me she was carrying his baby. They were to be married in a week. I had never been so sick in my whole life. Eventually they divorced and on a few drunken occasions we may have had a one night stand.

Fifth, at 17 I was at he park and met the nicest boy, we dated for quite some time. His family moved to Washington state and I had never felt so alone. Eventually I moved to be with him. I did get homesick so I left. It didn’t mean I didn’t love him. when I was nineteen my friend talked me into going back, my love had broke up with his girlfriend and wanted me back. By the time I got there his ex girlfriend was pregnant and he was with her. She saw me as a threat. I would have never stepped into that. But he found a need to call and tell me to go home it was never anything other than sex. Until this day I can hear his words, like I could my brothers.

Sixth, all I can say is I was verbally abused by my husband for many years. I cant wear pink because something he said. He was so hateful about my size. He’d ask my are you really going to eat that, you just ate. I began eating meals at McDonald’s before i came home and ate. That way I wouldn’t get in trouble for seconds. All that did is hurt me. and he was still mean. It took me 13 years to leave. so I hear 13 years of bull crap in my head on a daily basis. I agreed to joint custody I had no idea the pain it would feel over my son being gone two weeks at a time. I am sure it was painful for everyone involved. But not all of us slit our wrists. I wanted my pain to end.

Seventh, Another marriage destined to fail. He was Mormon and very controlling. I lost my adult children and my grandchildren. He seriously thought he was in the right. He was always trying to save me from the filth that is my family. Knocked me out, stole my dog and my car. It took me eight years to get away. He was scary and unpredictable.

There were lots of little and medium traumas these are just the bigger ones.

Lastly, My current husband and I have been friend for twenty years and married five of those. I have always trusted him. He knows everything about me secrets and all. I thought it was the same with him. I found out that he’d been paying his ex wife for the past 24 years for sex. explains why ours was so infrequent. I stayed and worked through it but hid excuse was my size, 225. The new medicine I am on I am worried will cause weight gain and I mentioned that I was afraid he would cheat because of it. I said unless your preferences have changed. He said as a matter of fact they have. Three weeks ago I caught him on a dating site. At this point I stated one more time and I am done and this time as your wife I am taking half your stuff. It’s pretty sad when you have to threaten your husband. It is not anything wrong in me causing his unfaithfulness it is him.

I guess what I am wondering is if all I have known from a very young age is chaos, abuse and pain how do I get to normal if I have never seen it or lived it?

Published by Jill L. Ware

Hello! I am a lot of things. First and foremost, I am me. Like it or leave it I believe God made me just as I am. That I need to go through these trials and tribulation to become who it is I am meant to be. does it suck? yes it does. I have two sons and three granddaughter and one on the way. I've been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder for several years. This is a way to let my words out, get them out of my head. You are not alone in your struggle with these diseases, it's exhausting trying to be normal. Or what we percieve as normal.

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