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Exploring My BPD And The Behaviors or Patterns It May Or May Not Cause In My Life

It is not uncommon for me to feel like I don’t fit in anywhere I go. Sometime I get in the car to go somewhere, and end up driving aimlessly. I start to head to one place and before reaching it I turn around and head somewhere else. I do do this often.

I ignore phone calls, even from those who love me.. I just need a break. The woman I see in the mirror I see as a mess. What do others think of me?

You must meet a certain criteria to be diagnosed with BPD. These are some of the criteria I meet.

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. Is a pattern of unstable and intense relationships

3.  Unstable sense of self aimed identity

4.  Impulsive actions that are self damaging such as drug abuse excessive spending and promiscuity

5. Unstable intense moods or emotions that can be triggered by events

6. Is inappropriate or intense anger that is difficult to control

Doctors believe BPD manifest from childhood traumas or the surroundings you grew up in period there is no cure for BPD but medications can help with some of the symptoms.

I told my doctor once that I felt guilty about not knowing I was mentally ill that it probably ended my marriage. She told me that my reactions to his abuse would have been different, but I would have still been getting abused.

As I play back memories of certain important situations and my reaction to those situations at least 50% of them were a 1 second with no thought lash out. Harsh words meant to hurt. The pain whether it was imagined or not always feels real to the people with BPD.

One of my BPD behaviors I can’t seem to kick is shaving my hair I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. Therefore, I shave my head. And for the life of me what is this having to have everyone’s approval about? I hate that I care so much about what people think of me.

I’m sure I have many more BPD behaviors but I will save those for another day. Put your best foot forward and always be kind because you never know the path someone else walks.

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