It was at the young age of 15 that I thought about killing myself. I didn’t feel like I was enough for anyone in my life. I felt abandoned. I started drinking and smoking pot. Not a lot. Just trying to kill the pain.
I always have felt lost. Everything has to change all the time. That’s the BPD a subject for a different day. I suffered depression for many years. But then when I entered into a very abusive relationship, I couldn’t do anything right. I was never the same. I was to fat, dinner didn’t taste good. you name it, I wasn’t good at it.
After some time I started having thoughts of running my truck into semi’s or cliffs. That went on for years. I divorced him after 14 years of abuse. What I wasn’t prepared for was grieving him like I had buried him like he had died. Plus I gave up my son 50% of the time. Eventually, all I could think about is how I was going to do it. I had to wait until the boys were gone. And the minute they were I was in such a hurry I left the car door wide open, door to the house and the knife drawer with knifes scattered everywhere.
I did it, I slit my wrist. Fortunately, I just did a bunch of surface wounds because there wasn’t a sharp knife in the house. I wasn’t allowed knives in the house for years. I struggled for several years with several mood disorders, and was being abused again. I was married to a monster. And until I got rid of him I had no family, and the grandchild I was about to have was not allowed to be a part of my life. He was dangerous. I felt trapped. If I left I had to fear his wrath. I was going to do it the easy way. I took a handful of pills. They made me sick but I am still here.
I still from time to time get thoughts of self harm, Usually after feeling I’ve let my loved ones down. I have a lot to live for, with mental illness we become blinded at times.
In all honesty, I turned 50 and slid right into menopause like I have had lots of years experience being a monster. I do not like menopause, no I do not, not one little bit. I don’t think my husband does either.
WTH! If you saw my very first video blog, I was a nervous, crying mess. The day after I posted that to my sight, I spent six hours in the ER trying to find out why I wasn’t feeling like myself. There is no definition of normal to follow. I just knew whatever was going on was not your normal bipolar or borderline episode. I literally could not breathe and my hands were trembling, my heart beating uncontrollably. I even yelled at my granddaughters, which yes they needed disciplined. But not in that tone. That is not me, even on my worst day.
To make a long story short, I was diagnosed as premenopausal. Oh boy! If this is a sign of what’s to come I’m pretty sure everyone will divorce me.
My poor husband, I abused him so badly that for the first time in 20 years of knowing me and nearly five years of marriage, he mentioned the D word.
It would be different if it was just a menopause diagnosis, but combined with my other mood disorders it really is a concern for me.
I watched my video several times before I posted it and was fine with it. The next day I was like I sure do hope it helped someone, I was a freaking mess.
So if anyone reads this that has experience in the menopause and other mood disorders combined, I sure could use some advice.
This is an update on my earlier post. For a few weeks I’ve been feeling a bit off. Dizzy, mood swings, anxious, tremors, stuttering, forgetfulness.
I thought my mental junk had just pushed me over with a dozer. Nope. It was that I was diagnosed several years ago with cervical spinal stenosis at the c6 and c7 area. After several steroidal injections I hadn’t had any problems.
Apparently, I forgot what it was like last time it was flaring up. All my symptoms and most of the agitation were coming from the collapsed spine. I seriously was beginning to think I needed a stay at the hospital for observation. Which doesn’t happen but about every few years for me. I am usually hanging by a thread before I’ll admit myself to a psych ward. I’m really surprised with the way I’d been treating my husband that he didn’t try to commit me.
My husband told me I was so abusive he wanted to hurt himself sometimes. I’m tired of being a monster. I want to be nice again. So my point is, sometimes your moods can be caused by something like cervical spinal stenosis. If you are feeling not like you! Check it out! ( This was the case for me).
I am always willing to admit when my junk is out of wack. But man lately I just am not bouncing back. People we know our own bodies, if you feel something isn’t right get another opinion besides your own.
After a video conference with my primary doctor today about my moods, anxiousness and several other symptoms she has recommended I have my heart checked at once. I had also been having dizzy spells and confusion.
My husband will be taking me shortly to see the hospital. Even if it is just my junk, at least we will be sure. It is him that is taking the blunt of my moods. Thank God that when I’m lovable, I truly am. Otherwise, I might be a very lonely person. I will post later this evening what the er has to say.