My husband and I are one of those couples that everyone wants to be like. But he is afraid of the wrath he will reap if he tells me “no”. I don’t like that. I struggle to not act like a spoiled rotten bitch. Most the time succeeding. But today I lost my shit. I know in my heart he is right. But in my mind it was my way or the highway. I should of known that I was losing control. I’ve been a ver anxious passenger in the vehicle lately. Grasping car handles, completely on edge. That is usually a sign it’s coming. I wasn’t prepared for the behaviors that would follow. Neither was my wonderful husband. Bipolar and bpd suck. Sorry hubby!
My beautiful granddaughter Adalyn Rose,
Means more to me than she even knows.
Out of her mouth comes the darnedest things,
There is nothing better than when she sings.
She has style, she has flare,
When we are together we are quite the pair.
Sometimes she can be just a bit mean,
And a lot of times a drama queen.
I wish I had her dance moves,
With the music she always grooves.
I can’t imagine a life without her in it,
The love we have I pray she will never forget.
One day I will be gone like the grandmothers before me,
Her beautiful face forever in my mind it will always be.
I will see her again someday,
And forever in Heaven Barbies we will play.
Grandma Jill Loves You!
What a week it has been. I had my granddaughters most of the week. The four year old has been not feeling well. Apparently her dad told her the other day that she was being rude. So now when we say anything she doesn’t like we are being rude. Children. The six year old I splashed in the pool and she called me a chubby bitch. So, now I’m wondering who she heard call me a fat bitch. She knows fat is a bad word. My mom said that’s just kids she didn’t hear anyone say that about you. I can’t help but wonder. I know Anaya loves me, she is only four. And Adalyn is my buddy. I don’t think she will do it again. It just slipped out! Hmmm! A grandmothers love for her grandchildren is unfaltering!
We are all blessed with gifts we can’t see.
What are yours, what could they be?
Look close upon you what the Savior has bestowed.
It isn’t anything you were owed.
It was by the grace of God you were saved,
All your sins could be waived.
Accept the Father with an open heart,
From all the others you will be set apart.
Share with others all you’ve been gifted,
So they also may have their spirits lifted.
Your blessings are bountiful,
Don’t you see, God made you beautiful!
Jill L. Ware
Let me say this loud and clear,
Don’t always believe of me what you hear.
My mind has been partitioned-rearranged,
Rendering my previous behaviors changed.
Learning to say no and stand my ground,
Hasn’t left many of my so called friends around.
With me that’s absolutely fine,
I truly enjoy alone most of the time.
For those I use to enable,
Feel free to sit at a different table.
Maybe you’ll learn to take care of you,
I have done all I can do.
From here on out I must take care of me,
I am a changed woman, watch and see!
Jill L. Ware
As I sit here getting my chemo treatment, I watch and listen to those around me. I am blessed. There are so many in pain and sick from their treatments. Over the years I see patients come and go. Some are now cancer free others didn’t beat their disease. I really appreciate the life God has given me. The beautiful friends and family that I’ve been blessed to have in my life. Thankful that these treatments are helping my RA remain under control. I can be more active with my grandkids than I was able to be with my sons. I know there may come a day when this treatment no longer works for me, so until then I will enjoy my family and live my life to it’s fullest.
What do you see when you look at your reflection? I’d almost bet it’s not what other people see. We are our own worst critics. Love Yourself!
This Mother’s Day was great. It’s the first time in years we all got together in one place. As a person with BPD I have had bad behaviors or toxic marriages that have interfered with my relationships with my children and grandchildren. Knock on wood. My behavior is better, my husband and best friend is amazing. I couldn’t ask for a better life.
Putting others needs before my own, it is a behavior that I’ve always known.
Never learning to say No, making it impossible to just go.
I need some quite time just for me, a place to go and just Be.
Exhaustion isn’t far away, it’s lurking just around the Bay.
I am busy as can be, slowing down is only up to me.
My body is weak as my mind races on, my strength nearly gone.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I’m sure No is a word you won’t hear me say.
I’ll try to find strength to carry on, after all every day starts with a new dawn.
I just want to find time for myself!
I have no idea if this is just racism, or if it’s political tactics, or just plain stupidity. But for those of us with already underlining mental issues it can make us uneasy, paranoid and just plain scared. Oh wait! You don’t even have to have mental illness to have this affect your lives and moods.
It is not a black or white thing. It is a police brutality thing. Would there be this much unrest if it had been a black cop and a white victim that couldn’t breathe? I just don’t understand why these rioters find it necessary to destroy buildings and businesses that owners work hard for and some that our tax dollars pay for.
I just want my children to be safe. My grandchildren and my friends to not be affected by this. How can they not be? Turn off social media and hide them under a rock.
I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve started several poems lately, finished none. Just like all of my other projects, half done. I always have to have irons in a fire going. My husband is spending a few days by himself at the lake. Maybe I will get a few projects finished with the extra space.