Living with and overcoming Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder
Author: Jill L. Ware
Hello! I am a lot of things. First and foremost, I am me. Like it or leave it I believe God made me just as I am. That I need to go through these trials and tribulation to become who it is I am meant to be. does it suck? yes it does. I have two sons and three granddaughter and one on the way. I've been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder for several years. This is a way to let my words out, get them out of my head. You are not alone in your struggle with these diseases, it's exhausting trying to be normal. Or what we percieve as normal.
A couple of years ago I started smoking marijuana to help with some of my mood disorders. I believe it helps with my Mania and my sleep. I have to adjust how much I smoke when I am going to be in a social situation. Ocassionally I get a bit paranoid if the smoke is to strong.
My phsychiatrist would rather I don’t smoke. But it does things for me that my five mental meds cannot.
What I am wondering is if you could leave comments about your experience with marijuana and mental illness.
It is not uncommon for me to feel like I don’t fit in anywhere I go. Sometime I get in the car to go somewhere, and end up driving aimlessly. I start to head to one place and before reaching it I turn around and head somewhere else. I do do this often.
I ignore phone calls, even from those who love me.. I just need a break. The woman I see in the mirror I see as a mess. What do others think of me?
You must meet a certain criteria to be diagnosed with BPD. These are some of the criteria I meet.
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. Is a pattern of unstable and intense relationships
3. Unstable sense of self aimed identity
4. Impulsive actions that are self damaging such as drug abuse excessive spending and promiscuity
5. Unstable intense moods or emotions that can be triggered by events
6. Is inappropriate or intense anger that is difficult to control
Doctors believe BPD manifest from childhood traumas or the surroundings you grew up in period there is no cure for BPD but medications can help with some of the symptoms.
I told my doctor once that I felt guilty about not knowing I was mentally ill that it probably ended my marriage. She told me that my reactions to his abuse would have been different, but I would have still been getting abused.
As I play back memories of certain important situations and my reaction to those situations at least 50% of them were a 1 second with no thought lash out. Harsh words meant to hurt. The pain whether it was imagined or not always feels real to the people with BPD.
One of my BPD behaviors I can’t seem to kick is shaving my hair I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. Therefore, I shave my head. And for the life of me what is this having to have everyone’s approval about? I hate that I care so much about what people think of me.
I’m sure I have many more BPD behaviors but I will save those for another day. Put your best foot forward and always be kind because you never know the path someone else walks.
It has been a few weeks since I posted anything. I have required a bit more sleep lately. I don`t understand how I could be depressed when I have a good life.
I have a epidural this week that I have been stressing over. And worrying about my grandchildren and grown boys is enough to make me mad.
How does one live a life without fear? I turn opportunities down all the time because of the fear in me. Especially fear of causing myself bodily harm. I miss out on the fun with the family and friends. Floating, four wheeling, hiking to name a few. I fear the unknown.
I can`t remember a time I was not fearful. At one time in my life my husband did dangerous things to teach me not to be fearful. All That did was cause PTSD.
I was recently having a conversation with my sister about how well I was doing with my medications. It couldn`t be depression. Afterwards I took a trip to the cabin and brought along my Bipolar explained book. Upon reading the first few chapters I realized I was cycling from my manic phase to my depressed state.
When I have to do things that involve interacting with others I get completely drained.
The entire time in my head I am asking myself, Am I talking to fast?, Can they tell I have mental illness?, Was that the wrong thing to say?.
I would like to know if any of you experience the awkwardness in social situations also. Please feel free to leave a comment.
My youngest son is so smart and talented. He and his wife just started a videography business. She is a photographer for the Air Nathional Guard and he is a teacher, musician, photographer, father and so much more.