Blog

Mood Cycling

It has been a few weeks since I posted anything. I have required a bit more sleep lately. I don`t understand how I could be depressed when I have a good life.

I have a epidural this week that I have been stressing over. And worrying about my grandchildren and grown boys is enough to make me mad.

How does one live a life without fear? I turn opportunities down all the time because of the fear in me. Especially fear of causing myself bodily harm. I miss out on the fun with the family and friends. Floating, four wheeling, hiking to name a few. I fear the unknown.

I can`t remember a time I was not fearful. At one time in my life my husband did dangerous things to teach me not to be fearful. All That did was cause PTSD.

I was recently having a conversation with my sister about how well I was doing with my medications. It couldn`t be depression. Afterwards I took a trip to the cabin and brought along my Bipolar explained book. Upon reading the first few chapters I realized I was cycling from my manic phase to my depressed state.

When I have to do things that involve interacting with others I get completely drained.

The entire time in my head I am asking myself, Am I talking to fast?, Can they tell I have mental illness?, Was that the wrong thing to say?.

I would like to know if any of you experience the awkwardness in social situations also. Please feel free to leave a comment.

Beautiful Mess

Blog, Poetry

A Fall Day

The flag blows as to say, “Look at me!”. The ever changing colors of the trees.

Chimes hang from the gutters with care, the tunes they are quite rare.

The brass bell swaying just a bit, awaiting my departure in the trees the birds sit.

The sky a vibrant blue, fluffy clouds stare back at you.

Mums, gourds, pumpkins and spice, all that makes everything nice.

Today a day for the books, a fall day as beautiful as it looks.

Jill L. Ware

Blog

12 Years After Gastric Bypass

I had my surgery at a Program where you had support for life when needing guidance when struggling or needing a reset. As many places it closed up about 5 years ago.

Sometimes my eating or drinking soda get a bit out of control and I study about doing a pouch resest with my protien shakes and such. I do it and I get back on track.

Then life becomes hectic with watching grandkids or doctors appointments and the fast foods and soda sneak back in. Needless to say it is still a life long struggle. If I would just eat meat I would be fine. I fill my pouch properly. But pastas and carbs just seep right through leaving room for more food.

Of course, like most people with this surgery I have much unwanted loose skin in my arms, legs and tummy apron. You would think after 12 years I would be used to it. That is pretty much my only complaint about the surgery. I still feel 100 times better than I did before. Any problems I have ever had with having the surgery were caused by me not following guidelines.

If you struggle with your weight loss surgery just know you are not broken, just human. It was meant to be a tool, not a fix all. Just remember you can get back on track. Research doing a pouch reset. I won’t say how many times in 12 years I have had to do a reset. Get back on your bike and ride!!!! You know the routine like the back of your hand. Good luck and God bless!

Blog

Same Thoughts Different Reactions

My mind is like a carnival ride

About this time last year I posted a very emotional and hysterical post about all the scary things taking place in the world. And at a later date after watching it again, I removed it.

I was embarassed by my tears and emotional video. What a difference a year makes. A year of the right phsychiatric meds. Today I feel all the things I did the day I recorded the video. My reaction to those thought is 100% different.

When I started this venture I promised I would post the good and the ugly. I wasn’t true to my word by deleting it. In the future I will do better at being honest and open about my behaviors. I hope that one day even just one of my post helps you in this very exhausting struggle to pretend to be normal.

Blog

My Ex Husband Died of Covid

I feel like an idiot. Who cries over an ex that abused her. Me….He also went after anyone that loved me. Saving me from the filth were his words. But here I sit sad that he is no longer on this earth. If the good Lord didn’t hold his behaviors against him because he had mental illness, I pray he is sitting pretty with the Savior. Our marriage lasted longer than it probably should have. Two bipolar people together is a disaster. We were always blaming each others mental issues. I was always wrong, he was always wrong. In his obituary I am the 12 year gap. No mention of me. That is alright. Fly high!!!!!