Blog

My Ex Husband Died of Covid

I feel like an idiot. Who cries over an ex that abused her. Me….He also went after anyone that loved me. Saving me from the filth were his words. But here I sit sad that he is no longer on this earth. If the good Lord didn’t hold his behaviors against him because he had mental illness, I pray he is sitting pretty with the Savior. Our marriage lasted longer than it probably should have. Two bipolar people together is a disaster. We were always blaming each others mental issues. I was always wrong, he was always wrong. In his obituary I am the 12 year gap. No mention of me. That is alright. Fly high!!!!!

Poetry

Where The Green Grass Grows

Water your lawn that it might grow, come to life as if tending ones soul.

Pay no attention to the neighboring blades of grass, the green doesn’t always last.

Some days wilted and pale, “Help!” I hear the neighboring grass yell.

I ignore it as many times before, I beg of you to tend your lawn more.

Add a bit of sun and a little water, tend it as if it were a daughter.

The neighboring grass is quite a sight, yet being there does not feel right.

Tend your own pastures, lawns and gardens, tell you neighbor 1,000 pardons.

I’m sorry if often I stray, God keep me on your path I pray.

The neighboring blades of grass entice with the afternoon sun staring back at me, I am wise to its tricks you see.

In your own yard take a little pride, the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Jill L. Ware

Poetry

Temptation

The urge to do things not good for oneself, always wanting what is high upon the Shelf.

There are reasons these items are Out Of Reach, taking of them a lesson they shall teach.

These things entice with their Shimmer and shine, all I want is to make them mine.

All That Glitters Is Gold, what age were you when this you were told.

As the devil has his horns, so does the beautiful roses have thorns.

Things you weren’t meant to have, like a Band-Aid to your salve

This is a feeling not real, these Band-Aids cannot heal.

Keep your eyes focused in front of you to say the least, temptation it is a Beast.

Jill L. Ware

Blog

Soft Hearted Man

It`s no wonder they love him!

This man who melts my heart, From all the others he is set apart.

This man that puts his needs last, he’s helped me forget that past.

This man with eyes of blue, has been better for me than I ever knew.

We have our days that’s for sure, for the bad days there’s no cure.

I see forever when I truly see the man he has become, it is him for me or none.

It has taken 20 years to get where we are, our lives are better by far.

This man is mine!

Poetry

Beauty and Her Beast

If you aren’t someone she sees almost ever day,

With you her monster likely won’t play.

If she cares for you even the slightest bit,

Out of nowhere her monster you might get.

She tries to keep him on a short chain,

All the while inside her he’s raising Cain.

For no reason at all,

Out of her he crawls.

Like a lion you will hear his roar,

Have you seen him before?

For those that love her it is a blessing and a curse.

You’ve seen her better, seen her worse.

She is confusing to say the least,

A beauty living with her beast.

Blog

Searching For A Better Version Of Me

These seven photos pretty much represent times in my life when I have experienced life altering experiences.

Ultimately, when I was 6 my father and mother divorced. I cried that I missed him, and mother sent me to live with him. Two weeks later she showed up at school to take me back home. But the divorce had taken it’s toll on me. I began talking fast and tripping over my words. The school entered me in speech therapy, it never stuck. I still talk to much and to fast. You know my mom sent me back and forth to my father’s my entire childhood. I wasn’t that bad. Just a teenage girl in love.

Secondly, at the age of 8 my mother had remarried and moved us away from our father, we didn’t see him much. On one visit he showed up with a new wife. As a kid I felt like he traded me in for someone new. It was a rough start, it had to be hard for an 18 year old girl to take on a man with 5 children. As time went by we had more visits, and my stepmother was amazing. Life moved on.

Third, I think might be a huge part of my BPD. At 10 a family member called me into the bathroom and made me bend over the tub and pull down my pants. I fought him. He told me as he tried to force himself into me, “Hold still I am practicing for Shelia.”. He never got it in but slapped me with it until he did his thing. I can picture it like it happened yesterday. My sister told mom he was touching us, she assumed a belt or whippings. Of Course, he remembers nothing.

Fourth, I was fifteen closer to sixteen. I had the biggest crush on a boy and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was super excited. We went out one evening and I tried pot for the first time. I’d do anything for him. We went to his house to his bedroom. that is where it happened. I lost my virginity. He had asked me if I was a virgin and I told him no. I thought because my brother had touched me with his thing I had lost it. I was such a stupid girl. We left his room and heading to the door this huge pregnant girl grabbed me by the hair and called me a bitch and informed me she was carrying his baby. They were to be married in a week. I had never been so sick in my whole life. Eventually they divorced and on a few drunken occasions we may have had a one night stand.

Fifth, at 17 I was at he park and met the nicest boy, we dated for quite some time. His family moved to Washington state and I had never felt so alone. Eventually I moved to be with him. I did get homesick so I left. It didn’t mean I didn’t love him. when I was nineteen my friend talked me into going back, my love had broke up with his girlfriend and wanted me back. By the time I got there his ex girlfriend was pregnant and he was with her. She saw me as a threat. I would have never stepped into that. But he found a need to call and tell me to go home it was never anything other than sex. Until this day I can hear his words, like I could my brothers.

Sixth, all I can say is I was verbally abused by my husband for many years. I cant wear pink because something he said. He was so hateful about my size. He’d ask my are you really going to eat that, you just ate. I began eating meals at McDonald’s before i came home and ate. That way I wouldn’t get in trouble for seconds. All that did is hurt me. and he was still mean. It took me 13 years to leave. so I hear 13 years of bull crap in my head on a daily basis. I agreed to joint custody I had no idea the pain it would feel over my son being gone two weeks at a time. I am sure it was painful for everyone involved. But not all of us slit our wrists. I wanted my pain to end.

Seventh, Another marriage destined to fail. He was Mormon and very controlling. I lost my adult children and my grandchildren. He seriously thought he was in the right. He was always trying to save me from the filth that is my family. Knocked me out, stole my dog and my car. It took me eight years to get away. He was scary and unpredictable.

There were lots of little and medium traumas these are just the bigger ones.

Lastly, My current husband and I have been friend for twenty years and married five of those. I have always trusted him. He knows everything about me secrets and all. I thought it was the same with him. I found out that he’d been paying his ex wife for the past 24 years for sex. explains why ours was so infrequent. I stayed and worked through it but hid excuse was my size, 225. The new medicine I am on I am worried will cause weight gain and I mentioned that I was afraid he would cheat because of it. I said unless your preferences have changed. He said as a matter of fact they have. Three weeks ago I caught him on a dating site. At this point I stated one more time and I am done and this time as your wife I am taking half your stuff. It’s pretty sad when you have to threaten your husband. It is not anything wrong in me causing his unfaithfulness it is him.

I guess what I am wondering is if all I have known from a very young age is chaos, abuse and pain how do I get to normal if I have never seen it or lived it?

Beauty And Her Beast, Poetry

Beauty and Her Beast

If you aren’t someone she sees almost ever day,

With you her monster likely won’t play.

If she cares for you even the slightest bit,

Out of nowhere her monster you might get.

She tries to keep him on a short chain,

All the while inside her he’s raising Cain.

For no reason at all,

Out of her he crawls.

Like a lion you will hear his roar,

Have you seen him before?

For those that love her it is a blessing and a curse.

You’ve seen her better, seen her worse.

She is confusing to say the least,

A beauty living with her beast.

Best Version Of Me, Blog

My Desire To Be Their Grandma Jill

The reasons I keep my crap together as much as I do

My desire to be the best grandmother I can be is one of the most important things to me. That these children don’t have to see the side of me that my children did. Not towards them, but towards my abusive husbands.

Although, some days these little ones give me a run for my money. The fighting and bickering among the older cousins can be exhausting.

I love these babies so much, not more than I did their parents. I just know about mental illness now, unlike when their fathers were young. I had no idea that something was wrong with me. I don’t think in the beginning I was ill. I believe years of verbal abuse about my size and everything else he thought was wrong with me caused my illnesses. And I have been fighting the good fight ever since. I wouldn’t say I am winning the fight, but I am definetly not losing.

I wake up everyday witht the mentallity of just that. “Today is a new day!” I can pick and choose what version of me that I am going to be. I love me today, so far.