My Cheater Wounded Me Permanently

Have you ever awoke from your sleep with eyes full of tears, the sadness enveloping every ounce of your being? For your sake I hope not.

Today was another one of those mornings. These episodes don’t happen often, when they do it is debilitating. I am NOT nor will I EVER be good enough for him.

The past two years I have spent nearly everyday watching what I put into my body. I want to be the body he prefers. I’ve lost nearly 100 pounds because his reason was she was little and I wasn’t. Ouch! Those words play in my head every single moment of my life.

My husband is still hurt that his ex wife cheated on him once in a fourteen year old marriage. Yet he has a difficult time fathoming that I could be hurt by twenty years of him cheating on me with his ex. Admitting that if I had not found out he would of continued to do so.

My psychiatrist says rule of thumb is if you stay you can’t bring it up anymore. I call it throwing darts. That is a game I am very good at. I can go months without mentioning it, my dreams were real and current this morning as if it had just happened.

I can’t afford to lose anymore weight without becoming sickly looking. Unfortunately, that is what he is attracted to. What about porn? Am I the only one that feels it is a form of cheating? I have lost count of how many times I have caught him in lies concerning porn. Am I wrong hat it makes me feel inadequate?

I stayed. He is my best friend the reason. Would a best friend kiss you goodbye and kiss you hello with the same lips that were just on her, and a little less cash in his pocketbook? Eighteen years he did this to me. No FRIEND would ever do this. Today I am full of hatred and distant I will be. I pray tonight’s dreams are of the love I once had for me.

Jill L Ware