Blog

My Cheater Wounded Me Permanently

Have you ever awoke from your sleep with eyes full of tears, the sadness enveloping every ounce of your being? For your sake I hope not.

Today was another one of those mornings. These episodes don’t happen often, when they do it is debilitating. I am NOT nor will I EVER be good enough for him.

The past two years I have spent nearly everyday watching what I put into my body. I want to be the body he prefers. I’ve lost nearly 100 pounds because his reason was she was little and I wasn’t. Ouch! Those words play in my head every single moment of my life.

My husband is still hurt that his ex wife cheated on him once in a fourteen year old marriage. Yet he has a difficult time fathoming that I could be hurt by twenty years of him cheating on me with his ex. Admitting that if I had not found out he would of continued to do so.

My psychiatrist says rule of thumb is if you stay you can’t bring it up anymore. I call it throwing darts. That is a game I am very good at. I can go months without mentioning it, my dreams were real and current this morning as if it had just happened.

I can’t afford to lose anymore weight without becoming sickly looking. Unfortunately, that is what he is attracted to. What about porn? Am I the only one that feels it is a form of cheating? I have lost count of how many times I have caught him in lies concerning porn. Am I wrong hat it makes me feel inadequate?

I stayed. He is my best friend the reason. Would a best friend kiss you goodbye and kiss you hello with the same lips that were just on her, and a little less cash in his pocketbook? Eighteen years he did this to me. No FRIEND would ever do this. Today I am full of hatred and distant I will be. I pray tonight’s dreams are of the love I once had for me.

Jill L Ware

Blog

Bite Me Bi-Polar!

It is not often I have the urge to drive my car into a tree at a high rate of speed. Yesterday there it was out of nowhere. That is how this works, this being these nasty mood disorders That have been plaguing me all of my adult life.

I try so hard to keep my monster hidden, yesterday was an epic fail. I really should name my monster within truthfully though I don’t want to be on a first name basis with her, my beast.

She doesn’t play nice so I’m thankful she doesn’t stay long these days. She says just long enough to show her ass and leave me looking absolutely idiotic. Not like I need extra help in that department. I do find enough job without her help.

I spent the last six months taking in nature and Photographing the Beauty I see. My avoiding being in society since Covid appeared isn’t because my fear of getting sick. I hide from fear of confrontation from all the people that have decided they can talk to you any hateful way they please. You know how true those words are, don’t you?

PEOPLE SUCK! I’m trying real hard not to be one.

Blog

Call Your Psychiatrist

Everyone smiles for the camera

I know the importance of routine mental health appointments throughout the year. It did not occur to me the entire six weeks I laid in bed my depression and anxiety in full swing.

I assumed it had only been a few months since my last mental health visit. In fact it had been six months.

This week I had a visit with my long time psychiatrist. He reminded me that if I am struggling in between visits that I can call for a visit.

It’s amazing the insight and advice from someone outside my usual sounding boards. Where am I going with this? If you are sad, anxious, depressed or having a hard time functioning in this crazy world we live in. Seeking help can make a huge difference. Tell someone else your crap can really lighten your load.

Poetry

Awaiting Spring

Nature brings us ice and snow, in time cold will secede to the Heat. Soon colors of green begin to show, old man winter will retreat.

We see the children in the park as they play, their laughter lifts our Spirits High. The birds sing inviting spring to stay, happy and content to keep them we try.

Rabbits as they hop to their destination, taking time to fight along the way. The trees buds begin to sprout, along with the perennials left lay. Spring awaited a treat no doubt, she is beautiful a day like today.

The queen bee searches for something to eat, after her winter in solitude, the butterflies beauty cannot be beat, along with the bee shows his gratitude.

The Woodpecker taps the tree to show it belongs to him, he doesn’t like to share. Frogs and tadpoles start to appear, the frogs in the distance we hear.

Soon it will be time to fish, spring awaited and answered wish.

JILL L. WARE

Blog

Contentment

I sit here in this apartment thinking to myself, “These walls are closing in on me.”. I feel the urge to organize and clean. ” How can I arrange the furniture to open it up more?” I ask myself.

I can feel it happening. The old habit of always having to find faults in circumstances and relationships. Yes, I am medicated and doing the best I can to change my thoughts. Knowing I have bipolar and BPD helps me to watch my behaviors and reactions to others behaviors. I have gotten so much better. Progress no matter how small is still progress.

It’s embarrassing to tell people I moved again, change cars or switch things I collect or hobbies. With my BPD I always feel the need to change things up. Luckily I have a husband and family I can discuss my thoughts with and not be judged by them. I refrain from telling acquaintances certain things for fear of being judged. Not that it would happen. It is all the self doubt and me.

Most the time just telling someone my thoughts and bouncing them off of them they can give me ideas or advice. I get a new perspective on things. I focus on certain things and miss other things going on around me. I’m missing others dealing with their stuff. It’s not all about me! It’s not all about me!

Blog

Marijuana Use For My Mental Illness

I do have a state issued medical card for this!

A couple of years ago I started smoking marijuana to help with some of my mood disorders. I believe it helps with my Mania and my sleep. I have to adjust how much I smoke when I am going to be in a social situation. Ocassionally I get a bit paranoid if the smoke is to strong.

My phsychiatrist would rather I don’t smoke. But it does things for me that my five mental meds cannot.

What I am wondering is if you could leave comments about your experience with marijuana and mental illness.

Blog

Exploring My BPD And The Behaviors or Patterns It May Or May Not Cause In My Life

It is not uncommon for me to feel like I don’t fit in anywhere I go. Sometime I get in the car to go somewhere, and end up driving aimlessly. I start to head to one place and before reaching it I turn around and head somewhere else. I do do this often.

I ignore phone calls, even from those who love me.. I just need a break. The woman I see in the mirror I see as a mess. What do others think of me?

You must meet a certain criteria to be diagnosed with BPD. These are some of the criteria I meet.

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. Is a pattern of unstable and intense relationships

3.  Unstable sense of self aimed identity

4.  Impulsive actions that are self damaging such as drug abuse excessive spending and promiscuity

5. Unstable intense moods or emotions that can be triggered by events

6. Is inappropriate or intense anger that is difficult to control

Doctors believe BPD manifest from childhood traumas or the surroundings you grew up in.. There is no cure for BPD but medications can help with some of the symptoms.

I told my doctor once that I felt guilty about not knowing I was mentally ill that it probably ended my marriage. She told me that my reactions to his abuse would have been different, but I would have still been getting abused.

As I play back memories of certain important situations and my reaction to those situations at least 50% of them were a 1 second with no thought lash out. Harsh words meant to hurt. The pain whether it was imagined or not always feels real to the people with BPD.

One of my BPD behaviors I can’t seem to kick is shaving my hair I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. Therefore, I shave my head. And for the life of me what is this having to have everyone’s approval about? I hate that I care so much about what people think of me.

I’m sure I have many more BPD behaviors but I will save those for another day. Put your best foot forward and always be kind because you never know the path someone else walks.

Blog

Mood Cycling

It has been a few weeks since I posted anything. I have required a bit more sleep lately. I don`t understand how I could be depressed when I have a good life.

I have a epidural this week that I have been stressing over. And worrying about my grandchildren and grown boys is enough to make me mad.

How does one live a life without fear? I turn opportunities down all the time because of the fear in me. Especially fear of causing myself bodily harm. I miss out on the fun with the family and friends. Floating, four wheeling, hiking to name a few. I fear the unknown.

I can`t remember a time I was not fearful. At one time in my life my husband did dangerous things to teach me not to be fearful. All That did was cause PTSD.

I was recently having a conversation with my sister about how well I was doing with my medications. It couldn`t be depression. Afterwards I took a trip to the cabin and brought along my Bipolar explained book. Upon reading the first few chapters I realized I was cycling from my manic phase to my depressed state.

When I have to do things that involve interacting with others I get completely drained.

The entire time in my head I am asking myself, Am I talking to fast?, Can they tell I have mental illness?, Was that the wrong thing to say?.

I would like to know if any of you experience the awkwardness in social situations also. Please feel free to leave a comment.

Beautiful Mess

Blog, Poetry

A Fall Day

The flag blows as to say, “Look at me!”. The ever changing colors of the trees.

Chimes hang from the gutters with care, the tunes they are quite rare.

The brass bell swaying just a bit, awaiting my departure in the trees the birds sit.

The sky a vibrant blue, fluffy clouds stare back at you.

Mums, gourds, pumpkins and spice, all that makes everything nice.

Today a day for the books, a fall day as beautiful as it looks.

Jill L. Ware