Blog

Marijuana Use For My Mental Illness

I do have a state issued medical card for this!

A couple of years ago I started smoking marijuana to help with some of my mood disorders. I believe it helps with my Mania and my sleep. I have to adjust how much I smoke when I am going to be in a social situation. Ocassionally I get a bit paranoid if the smoke is to strong.

My phsychiatrist would rather I don’t smoke. But it does things for me that my five mental meds cannot.

What I am wondering is if you could leave comments about your experience with marijuana and mental illness.

Blog

Exploring My BPD And The Behaviors or Patterns It May Or May Not Cause In My Life

It is not uncommon for me to feel like I don’t fit in anywhere I go. Sometime I get in the car to go somewhere, and end up driving aimlessly. I start to head to one place and before reaching it I turn around and head somewhere else. I do do this often.

I ignore phone calls, even from those who love me.. I just need a break. The woman I see in the mirror I see as a mess. What do others think of me?

You must meet a certain criteria to be diagnosed with BPD. These are some of the criteria I meet.

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. Is a pattern of unstable and intense relationships

3.  Unstable sense of self aimed identity

4.  Impulsive actions that are self damaging such as drug abuse excessive spending and promiscuity

5. Unstable intense moods or emotions that can be triggered by events

6. Is inappropriate or intense anger that is difficult to control

Doctors believe BPD manifest from childhood traumas or the surroundings you grew up in period there is no cure for BPD but medications can help with some of the symptoms.

I told my doctor once that I felt guilty about not knowing I was mentally ill that it probably ended my marriage. She told me that my reactions to his abuse would have been different, but I would have still been getting abused.

As I play back memories of certain important situations and my reaction to those situations at least 50% of them were a 1 second with no thought lash out. Harsh words meant to hurt. The pain whether it was imagined or not always feels real to the people with BPD.

One of my BPD behaviors I can’t seem to kick is shaving my hair I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. Therefore, I shave my head. And for the life of me what is this having to have everyone’s approval about? I hate that I care so much about what people think of me.

I’m sure I have many more BPD behaviors but I will save those for another day. Put your best foot forward and always be kind because you never know the path someone else walks.

Blog

Mood Cycling

It has been a few weeks since I posted anything. I have required a bit more sleep lately. I don`t understand how I could be depressed when I have a good life.

I have a epidural this week that I have been stressing over. And worrying about my grandchildren and grown boys is enough to make me mad.

How does one live a life without fear? I turn opportunities down all the time because of the fear in me. Especially fear of causing myself bodily harm. I miss out on the fun with the family and friends. Floating, four wheeling, hiking to name a few. I fear the unknown.

I can`t remember a time I was not fearful. At one time in my life my husband did dangerous things to teach me not to be fearful. All That did was cause PTSD.

I was recently having a conversation with my sister about how well I was doing with my medications. It couldn`t be depression. Afterwards I took a trip to the cabin and brought along my Bipolar explained book. Upon reading the first few chapters I realized I was cycling from my manic phase to my depressed state.

When I have to do things that involve interacting with others I get completely drained.

The entire time in my head I am asking myself, Am I talking to fast?, Can they tell I have mental illness?, Was that the wrong thing to say?.

I would like to know if any of you experience the awkwardness in social situations also. Please feel free to leave a comment.

Beautiful Mess

Blog, Poetry

A Fall Day

The flag blows as to say, “Look at me!”. The ever changing colors of the trees.

Chimes hang from the gutters with care, the tunes they are quite rare.

The brass bell swaying just a bit, awaiting my departure in the trees the birds sit.

The sky a vibrant blue, fluffy clouds stare back at you.

Mums, gourds, pumpkins and spice, all that makes everything nice.

Today a day for the books, a fall day as beautiful as it looks.

Jill L. Ware

Poetry

A Fish Out of Water

I am quite the catch when you reel me in, my scales shiny and bright.

After a bit not at all what I’d been, seen in a different light.

I am struggling to breathe, thrashing to and fro.

Soon the air from my lungs will leave, It is now my time to go.

I am ready as I could ever be, please feel free to throw me back.

I belong in the water you see, It is the oxygen in which I lack.

I am a fish out of water!

Blog

Same Thoughts Different Reactions

My mind is like a carnival ride

About this time last year I posted a very emotional and hysterical post about all the scary things taking place in the world. And at a later date after watching it again, I removed it.

I was embarassed by my tears and emotional video. What a difference a year makes. A year of the right phsychiatric meds. Today I feel all the things I did the day I recorded the video. My reaction to those thought is 100% different.

When I started this venture I promised I would post the good and the ugly. I wasn’t true to my word by deleting it. In the future I will do better at being honest and open about my behaviors. I hope that one day even just one of my post helps you in this very exhausting struggle to pretend to be normal.

Blog

My Ex Husband Died of Covid

I feel like an idiot. Who cries over an ex that abused her. Me….He also went after anyone that loved me. Saving me from the filth were his words. But here I sit sad that he is no longer on this earth. If the good Lord didn’t hold his behaviors against him because he had mental illness, I pray he is sitting pretty with the Savior. Our marriage lasted longer than it probably should have. Two bipolar people together is a disaster. We were always blaming each others mental issues. I was always wrong, he was always wrong. In his obituary I am the 12 year gap. No mention of me. That is alright. Fly high!!!!!

Poetry

The Lighted Path

The lights luminate for safeties sake, The gravel spilling over it’s walls.

Carefully making it to the dock on the lake, walk on me the lighted path calls.

The retaining wall with caps as white as snow, brighter than the path they glow.

The path marking which way to go, I get lost more than you know.

The basket hang beautifully so, beside them the bird feeders sit.

I take the path as far as I can go, The path not safe, not one bit.

The path uneven more than you know, Be sure to watch where you go.