Anaya, Poetry

Anaya

Anaya

She is the CatBoy to my Owlette,
Unless you watch PJMasks that you won’t get.
Today she is Rainbow Dash with lightning speed.
Off to help someone in need.
Later she will be Babs,
Which is fitting cause she gabs.
She is so smart it amazes me,
Something I struggled to be.
Constantly making me smile,
With her personality and style.
She likes to be in charge, Her attitude always at large.
If I do something wrong,
She always lets me know.
A joy she truly is to watch grow. Jill L. Ware

Playing trouble with Anaya at the cabin
Blessed Beyond Measure, Blog

Blessed Beyond Measure

I Love My Family! What a beautiful gathering we had for Mother’s Day.

Anaya, Adalyn, Jayson, Me and Hope
My beautiful mother and baby Jayson
Hope Azalea is precious
Joshie to me he will always be
Aunt Whitney and Uncle Casey Getting baby fever?
Cheyanne probably feels like she is at the daycare
Best Version Of Me, Blog

My Desire To Be Their Grandma Jill

The reasons I keep my crap together as much as I do

My desire to be the best grandmother I can be is one of the most important things to me. That these children don’t have to see the side of me that my children did. Not towards them, but towards my abusive husbands.

Although, some days these little ones give me a run for my money. The fighting and bickering among the older cousins can be exhausting.

I love these babies so much, not more than I did their parents. I just know about mental illness now, unlike when their fathers were young. I had no idea that something was wrong with me. I don’t think in the beginning I was ill. I believe years of verbal abuse about my size and everything else he thought was wrong with me caused my illnesses. And I have been fighting the good fight ever since. I wouldn’t say I am winning the fight, but I am definetly not losing.

I wake up everyday witht the mentallity of just that. “Today is a new day!” I can pick and choose what version of me that I am going to be. I love me today, so far.

Blog, Life Is Good

Life Is Good…When I Want It To Be

The alarm goes off, I spring into action. Shower, brush my teeth, do my hair and makeup and tend to the pets. Wake up honey lets go have coffee I tell my husband.

Can we go see the grandkids today? I ask. Do you want to visit the cabin? It is so nice this time of year. I’m having a good day.

Alarm goes off. I say,”Will you shut that fucking thing off.”. My husband asks, ” Want to go have coffee? “. No. I just want to sleep. I do have things to do today. I want nothing to do with any of it. I am absolutely exhausted. No desire to even get out of bed, and definitely not going in public today. It takes to much energy to pretend to be normal, and I am just not feeling up to it today. These are the days I am most use to. And to tell you the truth I enjoy my days of sollitude as compared to the days I am forced to socialize.

I give 100% when it comes to being a mother and grandmother. I put myself in uncomfortable situations all the time when tending to my loved ones. It really takes a toll on my mental illness at times. It is truly exhausting attempting to be the perfect grandparent and parent, I never fail them. In the process I become manic trying to keep up. Everything that goes up eventually must come down. Eventually, I plummit to the ground. You would think after all these years with these mental illnesses I would be expecting it, NOPE. As always the illness sneaks up and bites me right in the butt.

I start all over again taking extra care to take medications and get the rest I so desperately need. It last a week maybe two and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Today….It was a good day. Tomorrow……We will see.

Blog, Rituximab saved my life

Rituximab saved my life!

It has been nearly two years since I started the Rituxan infusions, my quality of life increasing with each one. When I first started the infusions my vectra score was a 58. Which meant my disease activity was severe. My most recent blood work shows my vectra score at a 3. Down 55 points. Yes my teeth are paying the price and a bit of hair loss. When I started this journey I was pushing about 360 and on outings sometimes needed a wheelchair or cane. I eventually had gastric bypass, but the weight loss did not help my jont pain. I had tried all sorts of injections, the newest pills. Nothing worked. Then I started the Rituximab infusions. Game changer. I can now play with my grankids unlike with my children, I sat and watched. I am now about 195 and feel better than I have in years. There are side effects, like my teeth. But I will take it any day over the pain and fatigue I felt for almost 18 years. The best advice I can give is, if you think your treatment plans are not working as you would like. Change it, talk to your doctor. If you aren’t happy with your results, look at other options. I hope and pray that you find what works for you and whatever ails you. Life is to short to live in pain.

Blog, Today Was A Good Day!

A Good Day!

I put together a puzzle today. It seems to help when I’m struggling mentally. My problem is that my Lithium and Wellbutrin slow me down. Sometimes life gets so busy I can’t keep up, then I intentionally stop my psychiatric medications so I can not be so run down. Then first two weeks are great, then slowly I start getting nervous in cars as passenger. Next I begin thinking everything everyone says to me is meant as sarcasm. Finally the people around catch my wrath.

Most the time I’m considered a very sweet lady. But only my loved ones get to see the nasty side of me. That’s a lie. Over the years I’m sure there were a few customers I let have it.

The day ended great. My granddaughter Anaya stayed over. And I’m keeping her up past her bedtime.

Hopefully tomorrow I have a bit more energy. A little bit today I had to force myself to move.