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Bipolar Knowledge Is Power

As I sat at the cafe having my first cup of morning coffee preparing to work on my blog, all I could think was how watching the kids and the holidays has me exhausted.

Eventually my mind shifted to what was going on around me. The tables were needing waited on, cook is trying to do both. Her waitress had called in sick.

My switch flipped to mania in a split second. I told her I use bot do this for a living, go cook I got this. I still have it. I rocked. I felt more like myself than I had in years, and productive at that. At the end of the day the owner asked if I could do weekends, out of my mouth came,”Until Christmas.”. And just like that I had added more stress to my life.

On the upside the extra income will help with propane and Christmas gifts for the grandkids. I keep telling myself it is only four weekends, eight days. I can do this. The question is how will it affect my bipolar or how my disorder will be while working with a second waitress? God help us both!

Years ago when I waitressed I didn’t know I had bipolar, I just thought I was a perfectionist. This experience will be different. I have many years of learned coping skills. Knowledge is power!

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Call Your Psychiatrist

Everyone smiles for the camera

I know the importance of routine mental health appointments throughout the year. It did not occur to me the entire six weeks I laid in bed my depression and anxiety in full swing.

I assumed it had only been a few months since my last mental health visit. In fact it had been six months.

This week I had a visit with my long time psychiatrist. He reminded me that if I am struggling in between visits that I can call for a visit.

It’s amazing the insight and advice from someone outside my usual sounding boards. Where am I going with this? If you are sad, anxious, depressed or having a hard time functioning in this crazy world we live in. Seeking help can make a huge difference. Tell someone else your crap can really lighten your load.

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Contentment

I sit here in this apartment thinking to myself, “These walls are closing in on me.”. I feel the urge to organize and clean. ” How can I arrange the furniture to open it up more?” I ask myself.

I can feel it happening. The old habit of always having to find faults in circumstances and relationships. Yes, I am medicated and doing the best I can to change my thoughts. Knowing I have bipolar and BPD helps me to watch my behaviors and reactions to others behaviors. I have gotten so much better. Progress no matter how small is still progress.

It’s embarrassing to tell people I moved again, change cars or switch things I collect or hobbies. With my BPD I always feel the need to change things up. Luckily I have a husband and family I can discuss my thoughts with and not be judged by them. I refrain from telling acquaintances certain things for fear of being judged. Not that it would happen. It is all the self doubt and me.

Most the time just telling someone my thoughts and bouncing them off of them they can give me ideas or advice. I get a new perspective on things. I focus on certain things and miss other things going on around me. I’m missing others dealing with their stuff. It’s not all about me! It’s not all about me!

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Marijuana Use For My Mental Illness

I do have a state issued medical card for this!

A couple of years ago I started smoking marijuana to help with some of my mood disorders. I believe it helps with my Mania and my sleep. I have to adjust how much I smoke when I am going to be in a social situation. Ocassionally I get a bit paranoid if the smoke is to strong.

My phsychiatrist would rather I don’t smoke. But it does things for me that my five mental meds cannot.

What I am wondering is if you could leave comments about your experience with marijuana and mental illness.

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Mood Cycling

It has been a few weeks since I posted anything. I have required a bit more sleep lately. I don`t understand how I could be depressed when I have a good life.

I have a epidural this week that I have been stressing over. And worrying about my grandchildren and grown boys is enough to make me mad.

How does one live a life without fear? I turn opportunities down all the time because of the fear in me. Especially fear of causing myself bodily harm. I miss out on the fun with the family and friends. Floating, four wheeling, hiking to name a few. I fear the unknown.

I can`t remember a time I was not fearful. At one time in my life my husband did dangerous things to teach me not to be fearful. All That did was cause PTSD.

I was recently having a conversation with my sister about how well I was doing with my medications. It couldn`t be depression. Afterwards I took a trip to the cabin and brought along my Bipolar explained book. Upon reading the first few chapters I realized I was cycling from my manic phase to my depressed state.

When I have to do things that involve interacting with others I get completely drained.

The entire time in my head I am asking myself, Am I talking to fast?, Can they tell I have mental illness?, Was that the wrong thing to say?.

I would like to know if any of you experience the awkwardness in social situations also. Please feel free to leave a comment.

Beautiful Mess

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Same Thoughts Different Reactions

My mind is like a carnival ride

About this time last year I posted a very emotional and hysterical post about all the scary things taking place in the world. And at a later date after watching it again, I removed it.

I was embarassed by my tears and emotional video. What a difference a year makes. A year of the right phsychiatric meds. Today I feel all the things I did the day I recorded the video. My reaction to those thought is 100% different.

When I started this venture I promised I would post the good and the ugly. I wasn’t true to my word by deleting it. In the future I will do better at being honest and open about my behaviors. I hope that one day even just one of my post helps you in this very exhausting struggle to pretend to be normal.

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Yielding Rewards

If we put the time, energy and care into our plants they will provide us with nourishment. It is the same for our bodies, mind and soul. If we take the time to take care of our well-being it will show in many areas of our lives. Just as if we ignore our well-being it will also show. God wants us to flourish. So take care of you as you would your gardens.

Blog, What Do You Do when you are manic

What Do You Do when You Are Manic?

When I have extra energy from my mania I grow things, then I pressurize some for the future. We will need it one day, probably soon the way the world is. And what is left I sit out for all the people in our retirement complex.

Do your best to find constructive things to put all of your anxieties into. I know sometimes it is easier said than done. As long as you know you tried, it doesn’t even matter if you fail. Anyway you will be the only one that knows.

Believe me when I say I had no idea I was even in a manic state until my doctor made me stop smoking pot because it was causing paranoia, and put me on risperidone. It was like someone took a pair of distorted glasses off of me. And I could see clearly again.

The world looks much better through my red polka dot glasses these days. If you are reading this I hope what see through your eyes becomes more focused for you. Peace Out!