Blog

Mood Cycling

It has been a few weeks since I posted anything. I have required a bit more sleep lately. I don`t understand how I could be depressed when I have a good life.

I have a epidural this week that I have been stressing over. And worrying about my grandchildren and grown boys is enough to make me mad.

How does one live a life without fear? I turn opportunities down all the time because of the fear in me. Especially fear of causing myself bodily harm. I miss out on the fun with the family and friends. Floating, four wheeling, hiking to name a few. I fear the unknown.

I can`t remember a time I was not fearful. At one time in my life my husband did dangerous things to teach me not to be fearful. All That did was cause PTSD.

I was recently having a conversation with my sister about how well I was doing with my medications. It couldn`t be depression. Afterwards I took a trip to the cabin and brought along my Bipolar explained book. Upon reading the first few chapters I realized I was cycling from my manic phase to my depressed state.

When I have to do things that involve interacting with others I get completely drained.

The entire time in my head I am asking myself, Am I talking to fast?, Can they tell I have mental illness?, Was that the wrong thing to say?.

I would like to know if any of you experience the awkwardness in social situations also. Please feel free to leave a comment.

Beautiful Mess

Poetry

The Rails

As children the parallel rails led to many of our destinations, On them we played without the slightest hesitation.

We’d run, jumping every other tie. So much fun, you know why?

The rails were forbidden, from us their joys no longer hidden.

On the rails a penny pressed flat, remember that?

Below the rails a cave like dwelling, my siblings would hide and I’d say, “I’m telling!”.

On the other side lie Tank Pond, of this place I wasn’t fond.

My siblings would go fast as could be, I’d scream “wait for me.”

One day on the way to school, my sister had an idea I thought was cool.

We’d lie on the ties against the rails as by us the train sails.

One time is all it took, now I’d play it by the book.

The rails thereafter had one rule, they were only to be followed to school. Done!

Poetry

Temptation

The urge to do things not good for oneself, always wanting what is high upon the Shelf.

There are reasons these items are Out Of Reach, taking of them a lesson they shall teach.

These things entice with their Shimmer and shine, all I want is to make them mine.

All That Glitters Is Gold, what age were you when this you were told.

As the devil has his horns, so does the beautiful roses have thorns.

Things you weren’t meant to have, like a Band-Aid to your salve

This is a feeling not real, these Band-Aids cannot heal.

Keep your eyes focused in front of you to say the least, temptation it is a Beast.

Jill L. Ware