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My Ex Husband Died of Covid

I feel like an idiot. Who cries over an ex that abused her. Me….He also went after anyone that loved me. Saving me from the filth were his words. But here I sit sad that he is no longer on this earth. If the good Lord didn’t hold his behaviors against him because he had mental illness, I pray he is sitting pretty with the Savior. Our marriage lasted longer than it probably should have. Two bipolar people together is a disaster. We were always blaming each others mental issues. I was always wrong, he was always wrong. In his obituary I am the 12 year gap. No mention of me. That is alright. Fly high!!!!!

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Searching For A Better Version Of Me

These seven photos pretty much represent times in my life when I have experienced life altering experiences.

Ultimately, when I was 6 my father and mother divorced. I cried that I missed him, and mother sent me to live with him. Two weeks later she showed up at school to take me back home. But the divorce had taken it’s toll on me. I began talking fast and tripping over my words. The school entered me in speech therapy, it never stuck. I still talk to much and to fast. You know my mom sent me back and forth to my father’s my entire childhood. I wasn’t that bad. Just a teenage girl in love.

Secondly, at the age of 8 my mother had remarried and moved us away from our father, we didn’t see him much. On one visit he showed up with a new wife. As a kid I felt like he traded me in for someone new. It was a rough start, it had to be hard for an 18 year old girl to take on a man with 5 children. As time went by we had more visits, and my stepmother was amazing. Life moved on.

Third, I think might be a huge part of my BPD. At 10 a family member called me into the bathroom and made me bend over the tub and pull down my pants. I fought him. He told me as he tried to force himself into me, “Hold still I am practicing for Shelia.”. He never got it in but slapped me with it until he did his thing. I can picture it like it happened yesterday. My sister told mom he was touching us, she assumed a belt or whippings. Of Course, he remembers nothing.

Fourth, I was fifteen closer to sixteen. I had the biggest crush on a boy and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was super excited. We went out one evening and I tried pot for the first time. I’d do anything for him. We went to his house to his bedroom. that is where it happened. I lost my virginity. He had asked me if I was a virgin and I told him no. I thought because my brother had touched me with his thing I had lost it. I was such a stupid girl. We left his room and heading to the door this huge pregnant girl grabbed me by the hair and called me a bitch and informed me she was carrying his baby. They were to be married in a week. I had never been so sick in my whole life. Eventually they divorced and on a few drunken occasions we may have had a one night stand.

Fifth, at 17 I was at he park and met the nicest boy, we dated for quite some time. His family moved to Washington state and I had never felt so alone. Eventually I moved to be with him. I did get homesick so I left. It didn’t mean I didn’t love him. when I was nineteen my friend talked me into going back, my love had broke up with his girlfriend and wanted me back. By the time I got there his ex girlfriend was pregnant and he was with her. She saw me as a threat. I would have never stepped into that. But he found a need to call and tell me to go home it was never anything other than sex. Until this day I can hear his words, like I could my brothers.

Sixth, all I can say is I was verbally abused by my husband for many years. I cant wear pink because something he said. He was so hateful about my size. He’d ask my are you really going to eat that, you just ate. I began eating meals at McDonald’s before i came home and ate. That way I wouldn’t get in trouble for seconds. All that did is hurt me. and he was still mean. It took me 13 years to leave. so I hear 13 years of bull crap in my head on a daily basis. I agreed to joint custody I had no idea the pain it would feel over my son being gone two weeks at a time. I am sure it was painful for everyone involved. But not all of us slit our wrists. I wanted my pain to end.

Seventh, Another marriage destined to fail. He was Mormon and very controlling. I lost my adult children and my grandchildren. He seriously thought he was in the right. He was always trying to save me from the filth that is my family. Knocked me out, stole my dog and my car. It took me eight years to get away. He was scary and unpredictable.

There were lots of little and medium traumas these are just the bigger ones.

Lastly, My current husband and I have been friend for twenty years and married five of those. I have always trusted him. He knows everything about me secrets and all. I thought it was the same with him. I found out that he’d been paying his ex wife for the past 24 years for sex. explains why ours was so infrequent. I stayed and worked through it but hid excuse was my size, 225. The new medicine I am on I am worried will cause weight gain and I mentioned that I was afraid he would cheat because of it. I said unless your preferences have changed. He said as a matter of fact they have. Three weeks ago I caught him on a dating site. At this point I stated one more time and I am done and this time as your wife I am taking half your stuff. It’s pretty sad when you have to threaten your husband. It is not anything wrong in me causing his unfaithfulness it is him.

I guess what I am wondering is if all I have known from a very young age is chaos, abuse and pain how do I get to normal if I have never seen it or lived it?

Blog, What Do You Do when you are manic

What Do You Do when You Are Manic?

When I have extra energy from my mania I grow things, then I pressurize some for the future. We will need it one day, probably soon the way the world is. And what is left I sit out for all the people in our retirement complex.

Do your best to find constructive things to put all of your anxieties into. I know sometimes it is easier said than done. As long as you know you tried, it doesn’t even matter if you fail. Anyway you will be the only one that knows.

Believe me when I say I had no idea I was even in a manic state until my doctor made me stop smoking pot because it was causing paranoia, and put me on risperidone. It was like someone took a pair of distorted glasses off of me. And I could see clearly again.

The world looks much better through my red polka dot glasses these days. If you are reading this I hope what see through your eyes becomes more focused for you. Peace Out!

Blog, My Winnie Minnie Wasnt to good to be true

My Winnebago Minnie Winnie Wasn’t To Good To Be True

My husband and I had been looking for an RV for almost two years. Two weeks ago on our way home from a short vacation at Lake of the Ozarks my sister sent me a Facebook post for an RV that was $5000. The pictures were great. It had to be a scam. My mother always says, “If it sounds to good to be true it probably is.”

We went to look at it and it was amazing. After handing the gentleman my money he stated he had not titled it yet that I could just put it in the mail for him. He handed me a bill of sale. When we got our precious Minnie home I noticed the bill of sale hadn’t been signed and found out it was considered an open title. I then contacted the person and made arrangements to meet at the DMV. Two times they stood me up.

That’s when my paranoia took over. In my mind I was thinking that the guy selling it to us was not the guy on the title and had killed the actual owner. In my defense he stood me up twice. I had imagined and episode of Breaking Bad. That stuff happens everyday. But my mind imagined an entire scenario. Eventually they did contact me and do the title work.

My sister told me she was at a loss on what to say to me. She had never seen me so far out there, and that is saying something.

P.S. We love our Minnie $5000 well spent

Blog, marijuana and Mental Illness

Marijuana Use and Mental Illness

It has been a while since I have posted anything. Recently I had a visit with the mental health professional. It didn’t go well. Two year ago I applied for my medical marijuana card. When I was approved, I started smoking it up. Only in the evenings. My moods had become quit unpredictable which was not exactly out of character for me. My moods were increasing daily. I began being very suspicious of people and situations.

My doctor has been treating for twenty years, he knows me very well. Let me tell you now schizophrenia runs in my family.Apparently not everyone should be smoking marijuana. Because I already have mental health issues and schizophrenia runs in the family I was getting more unstable the more I smoked. The moral of the story, not everyone should get stoned. It may help many, but can also be harmful to some.

Poetry

Eldest Brother

                     My Eldest Brother

He was just a teenager full of curiosity,

After that day the same he would never be.

All his curiosity left behind,

It was a desire for Christ he would find.

Thank goodness for the ones he loves,

He spends his time praying to the heavens above.

For the sins he thinks we commit,

He would pace and pray before he’d sit.

He has one of the kindest souls you will ever find,

A little leery but always kind.

Always reminding me how much every one needs me,

Which is something I don’t always see.

He is my eldest brother,

I would not want another.     

                                       Jill L. Ware

My brother one of the kindest people you will ever meet #schizoaffecticedisordersucks