Blog, What Do You Do when you are manic

What Do You Do when You Are Manic?

When I have extra energy from my mania I grow things, then I pressurize some for the future. We will need it one day, probably soon the way the world is. And what is left I sit out for all the people in our retirement complex.

Do your best to find constructive things to put all of your anxieties into. I know sometimes it is easier said than done. As long as you know you tried, it doesn’t even matter if you fail. Anyway you will be the only one that knows.

Believe me when I say I had no idea I was even in a manic state until my doctor made me stop smoking pot because it was causing paranoia, and put me on risperidone. It was like someone took a pair of distorted glasses off of me. And I could see clearly again.

The world looks much better through my red polka dot glasses these days. If you are reading this I hope what see through your eyes becomes more focused for you. Peace Out!

Blog, He Is So Not Like Me, Poetry

He Is So Not Like Me

I have loved him since the day he was conceived, the joy he brought me I’d never believe.

His personality was that of a clown, lifting me up when I was down.

He was terrified to go on stage, which got much better with age.

Eventually I left his dad, It was the worst feeling I ever had.

Joint custody was not for me, forever changed our life would be.

Me his mother you would never guess, what a beautiful mess.

Drums, guitar, piano are just a few, of the many things he can do.

He is smarter than I ever was, excellent at all he does.

He will never know the love I carry in me, forever in my heart he will always be.

Jill L. Ware

About Me

About Me

I am new to this but thought it couldn’t hurt to let some of my frustration out there for you all to see that you are not alone in your struggle to be normal. It is truly exhausting trying to be the person everyone thinks you should be. I don’t exactly know how long I have had bipolar and borderline personality disorder. But I imagine well over 35 years. As many people with these disease my parents divorced at a young age and I was sexually abused at the age of 10. I absolutely hate confrontation. So I can’t say no to people and finally the only way I can say no is by being a crazy lady. I write poetry as an outlet and will be posting on my site over time.

I am going to treat this as a daily journal. I will post for you all to read, the good, the bad, and the ugly in my life. And hopefully there will be more good than bad. But I want you to know you aren’t the only one out there struggling to stay afloat.

I was admitted to a hospital after a nervous breakdown and it had been 10 years after my last hospitalization for my disease. The doctor told me how lucky I was to only be hospitalized twice in 10 years. I informed her that id been out in society for those ten years making a damn fool out of myself. There were several times I really should have been institutionalized.

There is beauty all around if you just look for it!

Blessed Beyond Measure, Blog

Blessed Beyond Measure

I Love My Family! What a beautiful gathering we had for Mother’s Day.

Anaya, Adalyn, Jayson, Me and Hope
My beautiful mother and baby Jayson
Hope Azalea is precious
Joshie to me he will always be
Aunt Whitney and Uncle Casey Getting baby fever?
Cheyanne probably feels like she is at the daycare
Best Version Of Me, Blog

My Desire To Be Their Grandma Jill

The reasons I keep my crap together as much as I do

My desire to be the best grandmother I can be is one of the most important things to me. That these children don’t have to see the side of me that my children did. Not towards them, but towards my abusive husbands.

Although, some days these little ones give me a run for my money. The fighting and bickering among the older cousins can be exhausting.

I love these babies so much, not more than I did their parents. I just know about mental illness now, unlike when their fathers were young. I had no idea that something was wrong with me. I don’t think in the beginning I was ill. I believe years of verbal abuse about my size and everything else he thought was wrong with me caused my illnesses. And I have been fighting the good fight ever since. I wouldn’t say I am winning the fight, but I am definetly not losing.

I wake up everyday witht the mentallity of just that. “Today is a new day!” I can pick and choose what version of me that I am going to be. I love me today, so far.

Blog, Life Is Good

Life Is Good…When I Want It To Be

The alarm goes off, I spring into action. Shower, brush my teeth, do my hair and makeup and tend to the pets. Wake up honey lets go have coffee I tell my husband.

Can we go see the grandkids today? I ask. Do you want to visit the cabin? It is so nice this time of year. I’m having a good day.

Alarm goes off. I say,”Will you shut that fucking thing off.”. My husband asks, ” Want to go have coffee? “. No. I just want to sleep. I do have things to do today. I want nothing to do with any of it. I am absolutely exhausted. No desire to even get out of bed, and definitely not going in public today. It takes to much energy to pretend to be normal, and I am just not feeling up to it today. These are the days I am most use to. And to tell you the truth I enjoy my days of sollitude as compared to the days I am forced to socialize.

I give 100% when it comes to being a mother and grandmother. I put myself in uncomfortable situations all the time when tending to my loved ones. It really takes a toll on my mental illness at times. It is truly exhausting attempting to be the perfect grandparent and parent, I never fail them. In the process I become manic trying to keep up. Everything that goes up eventually must come down. Eventually, I plummit to the ground. You would think after all these years with these mental illnesses I would be expecting it, NOPE. As always the illness sneaks up and bites me right in the butt.

I start all over again taking extra care to take medications and get the rest I so desperately need. It last a week maybe two and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Today….It was a good day. Tomorrow……We will see.

Poetry, young love

Young Love

Those lips and how they made me feel,

Never had anything felt so real,

Thoughts of you pour like rain.

I’d sell my soul to taste them once again.

I visit you in my dreams.

We, you’ve forgotten it seems.

I don’t fight them anymore,         

Are you just as you were before,

I prayed one day I’d be your wife,

And with you i would spend my life,

Together we had been.

Our love destined not to win.

It lives on in my memories,

I miss you when no one sees.

Jill L. Ware

Poetry

Be You!

Put on your best smile, go that extra mile.

Be courteous and nice, don’t ever think twice.

Lift up one another, be your neighbors brother.

Love with all your might, don’t give up without a fight.

Ask for nothing in return, be the example so they can learn.

Be you, let your light shine through.

Be the spark that leads them from the dark.

Most of all, always be you!

Jill L. Ware